CCC 27-1_LR

TRENDING NOW

o While victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse have received the vital attention they so deserve, many men who are struggling to heal from being abusive feel unheard. These men, many of whom have involved themselves in treatment, feel misrepresented. Far from being incurable and unwilling to seek help, numerous narcissistic and emotionally abusive men have partici pated in intensive recovery. Over the past decade, since I have offered men a healing path from narcissism and emotional abuse, I have witnessed many willing to dedicate themselves to a change process. This journey is highly challenging, filled with ups and downs, progress, and relapses. These men have worked hard to bring healing to their mates, themselves, and their marriages. However, they often hear proclamations such as, “Narcissists can never change. They can never empathize with you and will only seek their own selfish needs. They are sociopaths and can only hurt you.” In short, the situation is often deemed hopeless. One of the men participating in our Core Men’s recovery group recently asked me, “Where is the information for men trying to heal?” I replied, “There is not much out there.” “Fair enough,” he said. “But when are you going to talk about what it’s like for men to be in recovery from narcissism and emotional abuse?” I have mulled over his question. Are men like him trying to shift the focus, getting themselves off the “hot seat?” Perhaps. Do they feel discouraged and inadequate? Without a doubt. I wonder if we, as a society, have allowed a misperception to flourish that “these men can never change.” I decided to ask the men in my group to ponder the issue, “What He Wants Her to Know,” with clear guidance that this must not take their focus off own ing their abuse and need for healing. I made it clear that this assignment was in no way to shift the focus off their work and in no way be an opportunity to vent, blame, or excuse away their emotional abuse. It was an attempt to build an emotional bridge to their mates… an effort to rebuild “the me and the we” that is often lost in our programs and the larger society. Here is what the men offered: 1. Notice the things I do that indicate I am genuinely in recovery from my emotional abuse, including some or all of the following: • Acknowledging I have emotionally abused you and I am attempting to rid myself of minimization, rationalization, and blame shifting to demonstrate remorse and regret, apologize within a humble and con trite spirit, and be committed to repentance and change • Striving to focus only on changing my behavior and not yours • Striving to stop expecting any praise from you regarding a change in my behavior • Wanting forgiveness but not expecting it • Seeking to acknowledge, own, and apologize when you tell me I have hurt you, regardless of whether I intended to • Actively seeking to understand what has contributed to me becoming who I am and how I can become what God has always desired me to be through reading, studying, watching videos, etc. • Receiving ongoing and regular counseling and having other account ability relationships • Recognizing that any understanding I might receive from you is based on my complete work on my program and continued emotional growth 2. Labeling me a “narcissist” may help you in some way, but it is not helpful to me. It is difficult enough for a man to get past the denial and own up to the fact that he has been abusive to his wife. The “narcissist” label typ ically carries with it a lot of dark narratives, much of which does not apply to me or other emotional abusers.

I made it clear that this assignment was in no way to shift the focus off their work and in no way be an opportunity

to vent, blame, or excuse away their

emotional abuse. It was an attempt to build an emotional bridge to their mates… an effort to rebuild “the me and the we” that is often lost in our programs and the larger society.

Christian Counseling Connection 23