CCC 27-2_LR

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PASS IT ON

childhood often leads to struggles in adulthood and point ing toward a solution. Faith can impact how well a parent builds loving bonds with a child. Moving from this current day study, we can see such an impact in a family pictured in Genesis 27:31 (ESV): “Let my father arise… that you may bless me,” asked Jacob, who received his father’s blessing. Yes, even with tricking his way into hearing those words, receiving the blessing posi tively marked his life and future. And failing to hear those words also impacted his twin, Esau. When Esau realized he had missed out on his father’s blessing, we read, “… he cried with an exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to his father, ‘Bless me—me also, O my father!’” (Genesis 27:34, NKJV). Esau went on to ask, “… Have you only one blessing, my father? Bless me—me also, O my father!” (Genesis 27:38, NKJV). Both brothers’ pasts impacted them deeply throughout their lives, as it does for each of us today. This brings us to that person or couple scheduled to come into your office or place of ministry. I know there are several counseling theories today that start with the presupposition, “What’s your goal coming in?” Although this is a great question, we are trained to shift the whole focus toward getting people to look only at the future or present. And you can see why, as the past is often messy and complicated so it is probably easier to tell someone to forget their challenges and look toward the future. Indeed, biblical truth points us toward a positive future (Jeremiah 29:11). However, it also points us to foundational relation al verses like, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife…” (Genesis 2:23, NASB 1977). When married, the average family member in biblical days was likely to have moved out of one tent and into another nearby. In other words, this verse has always held more meaning than just putting physical distance between a person and his parents. In short, a prerequisite to “cleaving” has always been the ability to emotionally “leave” home, which is grounded in moving from the past. Yet, as our 21-country study showed, those of us who consistently work with those struggling to bond with each other often see that missing the blessing (love/ attachment) can focus and hold tight a person’s ability to leave—blocking their ability to cleave. I have spent nearly four decades helping focus parents and couples on building loving attachment bonds—partly to head off adult hurts and help their children experience the incredible benefits of being blessed. I want these chil dren to encounter lived-out attachment bonds that they can repeat and shower on their spouses and children. However, I find today that a large percentage of people I see are not coming into marriage having experienced “flourishing” and healthy, loving parental pasts. Instead, they are like me—coming from a home broken by divorce or worse. They long for a love they have never seen “up close and personal.”

My eldest daughter, Kari Stageberg, and I recently fin ished a book called From Broken to Blessed that will be available this spring from Focus on the Family/Tyndale. Its focus is not on how to bless and build that loving home for your children but on people and parents who look back on their childhoods and only remember the experi ence of longing for love and acceptance—the brokenness and not the blessing. However, that does not have to be their only fate, nor ours, if we look at studies like the one previously men tioned and realize we missed out on a loving past or have struggled with “flourishing.” So I do not want it to be a spoiler alert, but to help, here are two points from our book for that couple or person coming into your office who needs to move past the brokenness and on to the blessing. It begins with an incredibly powerful verse from Deuteronomy 23:5 (NASB 1995), “Nevertheless, the Lord your God was not willing to listen to Balaam (who was hired to curse, not bless God’s people), but the Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you because the Lord your God loves you.” Healing begins for those coming into our offices by knowing, experiencing, and embracing God’s love. Or, if needed, in our own lives. Another factor is spending extended time in Ephesians 2 (I give it to my clients as homework assignments). That one chapter talks about how we were all broken, lost, and dead in our trespasses and sins, but in Christ, we have been brought near and no longer an “outcast” (like we saw in the study). We get to say that we are a new person in Christ—chosen, loved, and accepted. We now have hope and a future—one in which we can flourish even if we did not receive love or the blessing in our past. I am all for helping people set goals for the future. However, with God’s love, we can do far more than sim ply pointing others in a different direction. We can offer genuine healing and bring them God’s blessing, and ours, so they are ready to flourish and pass that on to their chil dren. ;

John Trent, Ph.D., is the President of StrongFamilies.com and the co-author, with his daughter, Kari Trent Stageberg, of the new Focus on the Family book, Where Do I Go From Here? Join them as a LifeMapping® Coach to help people capture the pictures of their life story and start moving toward God’s best at www.StrongFamilies.com.

Endnote 1 Rothwell, J.T., & Davoodi, T. (2024, November 22). Parent-child relation ship quality predicts higher subjective well-being in adulthood across a diverse group of countries. Communications Psychology, 2 , 110. https:// doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00161-x.

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