CCC 28-1

PASS IT ON

w What would that first glance by each of them reveal? How would it register in your mind’s eye and heart? Who was there whose eyes flew wide open and lit up with delight? Who smiled when they saw you? Who pointed at you or even called out your name, excited to see you? Who took a step toward you to welcome you in? However, what if you saw someone roll their eyes as their first response when seeing you? As if you could hear them say with a sigh, “There he or she is…” or “Here we go again.” Did someone give you an angry or dismissive look? Did they look away quickly, almost like they were trying not to make eye contact? In summary, was there someone there when you were 10 years old who you knew was crazy about you just by the expression on their face when looking your way? That is a projective tool we use very often with those we are coun seling or coaching. The answers we get are striking. In the best case, several people look up with joy at seeing you, but far too often, there is no one. However, is one unscripted look really that signifi cant? According to Dr. Allan Schore, a noted UCLA brain researcher, it is. His focus is based on the development of the human brain. Specifically, how important “joy and attachment” are for brain health and development. What researchers have found is, “Love moves at the speed of joy.” 1 A person who displays joy relationally is someone who is glad to be with us , someone who we see as loving us, even without a word being spoken. That is only one tool we can use to help people understand both the reality of growing up with broken attachment and how, “in Christ,” we can choose to build healthy, loving attachment. In biblical terms, in Christ, you can truly move personally and help those you work with move from broken to blessed . For more than 40 years, I have focused our minis try on helping people build loving attachment bonds. Specifically in teaching and writing about “The Blessing” in Scripture. Long before “attachment theory” had a name

or gained popularity, the five elements of The Blessing— appropriate meaningful touch, spoken message, attaching high value, picturing a special future, and active com mitment—helped build loving attachment. Both in God blessing us, and when we choose to bless others. Those five elements are all things we either grew up with or missed. I teamed up with my eldest daughter, Kari Stageberg, to focus specifically on those who missed The Blessing. In our new book, Your Journey from Broken to Blessed , you will find tools like the ones previously mentioned to face brokenness, as well as “broken to blessed” insights, such as the following. First, help someone who missed The Blessing know that they can choose a different, primary attachment figure. This is evident in the life of Josiah (2 Kings 21-22). He grew up in a lineage of terrible evil and brokenness. Josiah’s grandfather was Manasseh, the most evil leader of God’s people. He practiced witchcraft, set up altars for child sacrifice, and made his own son take part in satanic rituals. King Manasseh died and was buried in his own home! That way, his son and grandson, Josiah, would walk past his evil memory every day. Amon, Josiah’s father, then became king. Tragically, “And he did evil in the sight of the Lord, as his father Manasseh had done” (2 Kings 21:20, NKJV). So much so, he was murdered and ended up buried next to his father! You would expect the following words of Scripture to be, “And Josiah became king and he walked in all the ways of his grandfather and father.” But he doesn’t! We are told in 2 Kings 22:2 (NKJV), “And he did what was right in the sight of the Lord, and walked in all the ways of his father David….” This is not a biblical error! Yes, his earthly father was Amon, but Josiah chose to walk in the path of a dif ferent father—one who had lived 450 years earlier, a “man after God’s own heart” (Acts 13:22), named David. That is a huge choice we can make for ourselves, and one we can present to others from a difficult, broken background.

Christian Counseling Connection 37