CCC 28-4_LR

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Beyond the Communication Myth: Differentiating Communication Problems from Emotional Abuse Dynamics

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David Hawkins, M.B.A., M.S.W., M.A., Ph.D.

One of the most common assumptions in relationship counseling is that struggling couples suffer primarily from communication problems. We, as clinicians, have been taught to focus on this issue, and with good reason. Couples often enter counseling saying: • “We need to communicate better.” • “We keep having the same arguments.” • “We don’t know how to talk to each other.” Hearing this, many of us proceed to help the couple improve their communication skills. And, while commu

nication difficulties certainly exist, many distressed rela tionships are not primarily suffering from poor commu nication skills. They are suffering from a lack of emotional safety and more serious issues. Consider this: when chronic invalidation, manip ulation, intimidation, control, or pervasive emotional immaturity are present, communication is often not the core problem—it is the first casualty. Understanding the difference can dramatically change both the assessment and our counseling.

18 Christian Counseling Connection