CCC 28-4_LR

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the condition of the heart, saying, “… For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34, NKJV). He did not emphasize the importance of communication techniques, but rather becoming a different kind of person. Scripture addresses character, focusing on humility, gentleness, self-control, wisdom, honesty, and integrity—traits that are the antithesis of emotional abuse. Jesus spoke about the condition of the heart when it comes to pride, an ger, and bitterness… and the importance of treating others with love, kindness, and gentleness. Assess Thoroughly Before You Counsel What can we do to avoid the communication myth? We must proceed cau tiously. Before focusing on communication skills, we should assess several foundational areas: • Emotional safety • Accountability • Emotional maturity • Power imbalances • Abuse indicators, such as manipulation, gaslighting, intimidation, or chronic invalidation Fortunately, these are issues that can be observed, monitored, and con fronted. In the early stages of counseling, we can ask questions about each of the previously mentioned areas. Showing that we are interested in these areas of concern will also lend credibility and a certain degree of safety to the couple. Only after these issues are understood can an effective treatment plan be de veloped. Structured tools can also help formalize this process. The Relationship Dynamics Assessment™, used at the Marriage Recovery Center, is one such instrument, designed to help clinicians and clients evaluate emotional safe ty, accountability, emotional maturity, invalidation, and indicators of abuse before treatment planning begins. Introduced early, a structured assessment like this can give both counselor and client a shared, objective starting point for conversations that might otherwise remain vague, one-sided, or contested. Conclusion Communication matters. Listening and attending to one another are founda tional skills needed for a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships require lis tening, empathy, validation, and constructive conflict skills. However, commu nication is not the solution to every marital problem. When emotional abuse dynamics are present, the central issue is not how partners talk. The issue is whether the relationship possesses enough emotional safety, accountability, and maturity to support honest communication in the first place. Perhaps the most important question is not, “How well are they communi cating?” but, “What happens when one person tells the truth about their expe rience?” The answer to that question often reveals whether the couple is facing a communication problem or something far more serious. ;

Warning Signs That the Issue is More Than Communication Again, with experience and training, we can learn to listen better to how couples present their issues. We can watch and listen to how safe each partner feels with their mate. We can watch and listen to see whether either partner feels unsafe voicing their con cerns. How well does each empathize with and validate the concerns of the other? Is there a power imbalance? Do either report “walking on egg shells,” fearing their partner’s reac tions, second-guessing themselves, or experiencing chronic anxiety? Does one partner consistently justify behavior, blame the other, or resist meaningful self-examination? Are the same issues discussed repeat edly, with little meaningful change? Is one person doing the majority of the work while the other remains largely resistant? Communication and Scripture While Scripture certainly talks about the importance of listening and the power of words, Jesus seems to have been more concerned about When emotional abuse dynamics are present, the central issue is not how partners talk. The issue is whether the relationship possesses enough emotional safety, accountability, and maturity to support honest communication in the first place.

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David Hawkins, M.B.A., M.S.W., M.A., Ph.D., is a Christian clinical psychologist and Director of the Marriage Recov ery Center (marriagerecoverycenter.com) in Mill Creek, Washington. He has helped bring healing to thousands of marriages and individuals and is passionate about working with couples in crisis. David is also a speaker and trainer for the AACC and a best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Never Fight Again… Guaranteed! and When Lov ing Him is Hurting You.

20 Christian Counseling Connection