CCC 28-4_LR

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

At some point in the second half of life, the oil that we draw from may not necessarily dry up, but it changes.

helped leaders define it and find their way through the hurt. And there I was, living it. What I finally heard, sitting with that empty jar, was the invitation from Jesus: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28, NIV). Author, educator, and activist, Parker Palmer, says burnout does not come from giving too much, but from trying to give what we no longer have. My empty jar was never proof that I had given everything. It was proof that I was trying to pour from a place that had run dry. Palmer calls the “tending of our own souls” not selfishness but simple stewardship of the one gift we were put here to offer others. 2 When my jar is full, when I have dealt with my dragons, have a healthy lifestyle rhythm, am centered, rested, walking with the Lord, prayed through, and close to the people who mean a great deal and fill me, I give out of that fullness. And somehow the giving pours oil back in rather than draining it out. Today, I stand in a new season, and the jar has some thing different to teach me. Now in my 60’s, still in my career, still full of ideas and dreams, and still wanting to run my race and finish it well. Yet, a few years ago, I felt my energy shifting. Marriage, family, grandkids, clients, teaching—each one something or someone I love—started pressing in on me instead of flowing out of me from a cen tered place. And then the clay jar caught my eye again, and I understood it in a new way. At some point in the second half of life, the oil that we draw from may not necessarily dry up, but it changes. There is a beautiful body of work on what the second half of a life and a career is really for, and over the past few years, the deeper pull I have been feeling has started to make more sense. 3 The invitation in the second half of life is to stop straining to relight our first half of life’s flame. Instead, it involves allowing a new kind of oil to fill us so that we can regroup and relight in a new way. Part of that is gathering wisdom from our experiences, learning from our mistakes, and passing the flame on to others. Developmen tal psychologist and psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, called this the great work of our middle and later years, giving our selves to what will outlast us. 4 Researchers like Dr. Laura Carstensen have found that as our sense of time grows more precious, we naturally begin to pour less into expanding and more into what is closest and most meaningful. We tend to our nearest rela tionships and let the edges fall away, and those of us who make that shift in life are, surprisingly, more fulfilled. 5 This brings me to what the heart of God has always said, and research repeatedly finds. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed people for more than 80 years. When the researchers gathered up everything they knew about people at 50, it was not their success or their choles terol that told them who would be thriving at 80—it was a a

how satisfied they were in their closest relationships. 6 At the close of a life and career, relationships are what nourish and center us. 7 I am trying to live out what my clay jar is teaching me in this season of life: to value the rich sum of my life, embrace wholeheartedly what is still to come, and to treat sharing what God has entrusted to me all these years as meaning ful work. I am learning to choose the few yeses that fit this stage and to grieve the good things I let go of. So, I will not be writing that book this year (next year, Jennifer), but I finally started the monthly women’s retreat I had carried in my heart for so long, and I said yes to stepping in as host of a radio program. And, most of all, I am learning to make my closest relationships what my calendar first protects. Somehow, all of that has poured oil back into my jar. In this, my second half, my wick is soaking up this new oil. I am ignited and burning brightly, sharing my flame, and with enough grace to get me through this next season. ;

Sharon May, Ph.D., is licensed marriage and family therapist, Certified Emotion ally Focused Therapist, and creator of the Safe Haven Model for couples and women’s retreats. She is a leader in de veloping couples therapy as an intensive model and in EFT for couples of faith. Sharon trains counselors, writes, speaks, and creates retreats for couples and women who are ready to grow toward what matters most. For information regarding a monthly women’s retreat, find her at www.becomeyourbest.com, and for your own marriage intensive or counselor training, visit www.safehaven relationshipcenter.com.

Endnotes 1 Figley, C.R. (Ed.). (1995). Compassion fatigue: Coping with secondary traumatic stress disorder in those who treat the traumatized. Brunner/ Mazel. 2 Palmer, P.J. (2000). Let your life speak: Listening for the voice of vocation. Jossey-Bass. 3 Brooks, A.C. (2022). From strength to strength: Finding success, happi ness, and deep purpose in the second half of life. Portfolio. 4 Erikson, E.H. (1963). Childhood and society (2nd ed.). Norton. 5 Carstensen, L.L., Isaacowitz, D.M., & Charles, S.T. (1999). Taking time seriously: A theory of socioemotional selectivity. American Psychologist, 54 (3), 165-181. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.54.3.165. 6 Waldinger, R.J., & Schulz, M. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness. Simon & Schuster. 7 Vaillant, G.E. (2012). Triumphs of experience: The men of the Harvard Grant Study . Belknap Press of Harvard University Press.

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