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There are few corners of society where the effects of abuse and violence do not reverberate, leaving wounds on individuals, families, and communities that create cycles that sadly perpetuate future abuse. Often, men are at the center of this complex issue— not just as perpetrators but also as victims. Yet, cultural deficits around vulnerability, emotional regulation, and masculinity often hinder critical conversations about men’s roles in the cycle of violence and obscure the deeper reasons behind it.

It is no secret that we are all walking wounded. God created us to thrive in Eden, but because of the fall, we carry the scars that come with it. That is to say, there is “no life without trauma.” As such, emotional, spiritual, and physical scars impact all of us, men and women alike. It is estimated that at least 60% of adults in the U.S. have experienced at least one adverse childhood experience. 1 Adverse childhood experiences (ACE) are potentially traumatic events suffered in childhood that have impacts lasting into adult hood. In my 20 years as a therapist and now as the executive director of Bethesda Workshops, I believe all adults have experienced at least one ACE. The reason is both theological and psychological. God created us (even neu rologically) to attach to one another. We are designed to be acutely aware when disconnected from others, especially our closest relationships. The wounds that occur form the foundation for the cycles of abuse and violence that plague many segments of our country. Unfortunately, these cycles are particularly damaging to women. In most categories, women are more likely to be victims of abuse than men, with men being more likely than women to be victims of violence from strangers. In a recent study, men who had perpetrated partner violence endorsed self defense, communication difficulties, and expression of negative emotions as the top three reasons they had been abusive. 2 This research highlights one of the chief causes of violence and abuse among men—a lack of examples of how to deal with wounds and emotions. We understand our lives are oriented around rituals, yet many men have had no ritual to become a man. Instead, they are left to define masculinity for themselves from whatever resources are available. This often comes with unhealthy tenets, especially relating to vulnerability and attitudes toward women. Further, research shows that due to social shaping and gender, men are more likely to sup press their emotional experiences, but when they do, they are more likely to express anger/aggression than women. 3 As the generations pass and fathers are unable to model and teach this critical concept (because they did not receive it), the abuse cycle continues. Through research and experience, it is clear that as men encounter trauma and incur wounds, they struggle with the familial/societal modeling for how to deal with them, resulting in “acting out” in anger/aggression, often toward women. It should be noted here that women are more likely to internalize negative emotions like sadness. 4 As women are often the victims of abuse by men, their woundedness is exacerbated by societal pressure not to express outwardly the effects of their experience of abuse.

MIKE VAUGHN

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christian counseling today VOL. 28 NO. 1