CCC 27-2_LR

TRENDING NOW

NARCISSISM IS A MENTAL HEALTH AND DIAGNOSTIC CONDITION MARKED BY PROFOUND SELFISHNESS, A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, A NEED FOR ADMIRATION, AND A LACK OF EMPATHY. EMOTIONAL ABUSE, IN CONTRAST, IS A BEHAVIOR. EMOTIONAL ABUSERS ARE OFTEN NOT GRANDIOSE, DO NOT SEEK ATTENTION, AND CAUSE THEIR HARM BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

Third, narcissists treat many people with disdain, while emotional abusers often focus their disdain on one person, frequently their mate . Again, we should examine the secre tiveness of harm being caused to countless women behind the facade of propriety. Fourth, narcissists exploit others in their lives, not only intimate partners . Bancroft says, “The narcissist fools a lot of people—as the abuser does—but there are at least a few people who hate his guts because of what he’s done to them. If the only people who know the truth about what the guy is really like are his past partners, he’s a straight-up abuser.” 3 Narcissism tends to be blatant, while emotional abuse occurs mainly behind closed doors. Finally, abusers can have significant relationships in which he (or she) is not abusive . An inspection of their life reveals the possibility of many “normal” relationships. Narcissists, however, have caused harm to many people. Implications Research suggests that the diagnosis of narcissistic person ality disorder (NPD) is extremely rare. Narcissistic ten dencies, however, are not rare, and their implications are just as concerning. We will, however, never truly know its true incidence because those with this disorder are very unlikely to seek treatment. On the other hand, we know that emotional abuse is rampant. Society is riddled with people selfishly taking advantage of others, seeking to meet their own needs. There are many “Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hydes” in hiding. Because both perpetrators and victims often hide emotional abuse, it, too, is sadly underreported. Victims of abuse are usually embarrassed, ashamed, and frightened to speak up about the horrific harm occurring in their lives. The Church has thankfully begun to speak out about the impact of emo tional abuse and offer help to victims. Therapeutic Considerations What does all of this mean for clinicians and people help ers? That depends on who you believe when considering treatment. If you rely on social media, they say that anyone with narcissism/ emotional abuse is untreatable. However, suppose you think we have confused the issues of narcis sism, narcissistic tendencies, and emotional abuse. In that case, you will find, as I have, that given the proper focus, accountability, and rigorous treatment, intervention of emotional abuse is possible. Some will undoubtedly be skeptical. However, I believe that change is possible with in-depth, rigorous, issue-spe cific counseling. We at the Marriage Recovery Center have

n It is important to remember that narcissism, at least in the psychological sense, refers to personality—someone with a shattered sense of self who takes advantage of others in a compensatory way. These individuals are often incapa ble of taking responsibility for their actions and are insen sitive to the pain they cause others. They typically have a grandiose sense of self to compensate for inner fragility. Narcissism is a mental health and diagnostic condition marked by profound selfishness, a sense of entitlement, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Emotional abuse, in contrast, is a behavior. Emotional abusers are often not grandiose, do not seek attention, and cause their harm behind closed doors. Emotional abuse has been defined as intentional actions taken against another that negatively impact their victim’s emotional well-being, like verbal abuse, intimidation, humiliation, and excessive control. More Distinctions There are several additional distinctions to help us think about and understand narcissism and emotional abuse in more realistic and practical ways. First, narcissism is thought to be rooted in childhood wounds, whereas emotional abuse is understood to be a learned behavior. If true, we must focus on current behav ior and attitudes promoting existing power and control. Second, narcissism is considered to be a character issue, a personality disorder at its extreme, whereas emotion al abuse is primarily a conscious choice for dealing with challenges . Again, if this is true, we would do well to stay focused on encouraging ownership and responsibility for harmful actions. Bancroft notes, “Abusiveness can look a lot like nar cissism. They (abusers) refuse to be accountable for their actions; they turn on the charm when they have a goal in mind and want people on their side to help them get there; and they’re comfortable lying. They think the problem resides not in them but in other people—specifically, women they’ve been involved with.” 1 I agree with much of what Bancroft says, emphasizing that there is a difference between narcissists and abusers. I agree that abusers shift responsibility onto their victims, especially women. Bancroft goes on to say, “Abusiveness is different in crucial ways. Abusers don’t have any particular similarities in their childhood emotional injuries, whereas narcissists do. Abusers can hide their abusiveness from the public for a lifetime and no one other than their intimate partners and children will know the truth; whereas narcissists leave a trail of enemies behind them.” 2

Christian Counseling Connection 23