CCC 27-3

TRENDING NOW

While there was understandably limited contact with their victims at the start, reconciliation was often their end goal. However, was this goal in the minds of the treating clinicians? Not only were the men and women isolated from one another legally, but his treatment and hers were often kept very separate, even though their goal was rec onciliation. I understand the importance of the initial separation. We must bear in mind that the victim’s safety is of ut most significance in overt domestic violence and covert emotional violence as well. However, I remember feeling confused and even surprised that batterers’ treatment pro viders had little contact with victims’ treatment providers. Additionally, victims’ treatment providers often encour aged the women to have no contact with the men and not to reconcile. Victims had little (approved) contact with perpetrators, and victims’ counselors had little contact with perpetrators’ counselors. Sadly, little seems to have changed, not only in the field of domestic violence but also within the field of narcissistic and emotional abuse. I wonder if clinicians being connected and working togeth er might produce better outcomes? Public Opinion A glance at popular YouTube and Instagram posts indi cates that anyone associated with a narcissistic individual should leave them. Women involved in recovery work are often encouraged to stay away from their narcissistic and emotionally abusive partners. “Narcissists will never change,” many say. “Narcissists will only continue to abuse and harm you.” “Narcissists feel no guilt.” With this prevailing sentiment, it is no surprise that vic tims of abuse are encouraged to seek their own treatment and have little to do with their abusive mates. This said, there are some places in our society where the exact opposite opinions are issued. Some churches

suggest victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse should submit and stay committed, often citing the following Scripture: “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives…” (1 Peter 3:1, NIV). Her actions are consid ered prevalent in her husband’s changing and overcoming abuse. Two Extreme Positions Both positions are extreme. Both create enormous ob stacles for the couple to overcome if they choose to stay together, and many do. Let’s look more closely at these two extreme positions. 1. Women Should Leave. There are many problems with this position. First, to say that abusive men are inca pable of changing is narrow and judgmental. In my exten sive experience, narcissism is best understood as being on a spectrum, and those at the lower end of the spectrum are often capable of change under the right conditions (which I have discussed in previous columns). Why would we consider those addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, and numerous other issues capable of change but emotionally immature, selfish, and narcissistic men incapable of change? Why do we offer treatment for those struggling with addictions but offer little for those with serious character issues? I understand the argument that those with severe personality disorders are reluctant to seek and fully participate in treatment. However, with significant intervention, even reluctant participants can sometimes gain some measure of motivation for change. Additionally, we seem to have lost sight of the fact that most couples still care for one another, have woven a complex life together, and are interested in staying with their mates. While we may, in certain instances, believe it is not in their best interest to do so, many are going to stay together. What, then, should our position be?

Christian Counseling Connection 21