CCC 27-3

TRENDING NOW

Conclusion I am quite mindful that what I am proposing contradicts what we have always done—her work done independent ly, his work done independently, and their work left up to them to do independently. Is it time for us to face the fact that many couples want to find a way to make their relationships work? Many cou ples still love one another, have built a life together, and want hope. I think it is time we listen more closely to what these couples are saying to us and respond accordingly. It is time for a comprehensive healing pathway. ;

e 2. Women Should Stay. Some are at the other end of the continuum and strongly encourage women to stay with their mates. The abuse is often minimized and seen as a “communication problem.” In these situations, the marriage’s stability seems to be prioritized over the health and safety of the individual. Power dynamics are often ignored, where the abuser exerts more control and inflicts more emotional damage than the other. Seeing abuse as mutual often strongly discourages the victim from seeking support and help, feeling they are equally to blame. It is critical that churches recognize that while dis agreements are normal in relationships, consistent patterns of belittling, manipulation, threats, or gaslighting constitute emotional abuse and require a vastly different approach. Further Help Needed Thankfully, more balanced approaches are emerging. We see that more trauma recovery groups for victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse are developing. Church es and private clinicians are beginning to recognize these issues and offer trauma-informed treatment. We are doing a much better job of helping women understand their trauma, recover from it, and make wise decisions going forward. Ever so slowly, there is also a growing number of treat ment options for perpetrators of narcissistic and emotion al abuse. Sadly, however, there is still a communication gap between victims’ and perpetrators’ treatment. Clini cians working with victims often do not speak to those working with perpetrators. Additionally, there is truly little comprehensive treat ment available, where help is offered as a pathway for couples who want to stay together—and many do. Where is the help and hope for couples ready to honestly and squarely face narcissistic and emotional abuse? Unfortu nately, couples are left floundering to find ways to recon nect and stay connected after the abuse has been recog nized. In addition to clinicians needing to talk to each other, we need to develop a pathway for couples who want to stay together to do their work (his and hers) and, ultimate ly, our work . I believe we all have an idea of what his and her work consists of; however, there is little discussion about what their work together might involve once the abuse has been effectively dealt with, safety re-estab lished, and her healing is well underway. What might this look like? A comprehensive model could include a thorough assessment of the dynamics in him, her, and both. Sup pose they fully choose to form a new relationship built on safety, mutual trust, and respect. In that case, treatment might consist of her work in recovering from narcissistic and emotional abuse, his work in recovering from perpe trating abuse, and ultimately, and oh so carefully, their work to do together.

David Hawkins, M.B.A., M.S.W., M.A., Ph.D., is a Christian clinical psychologist and Director of the Marriage Recovery Center (marriagerecoverycenter.com) in Mill Creek, Washington. He has helped bring healing to thousands of marriages and individuals and is passionate about working with couples in crisis. David is also a speaker and trainer for the AACC and a best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Never Fight Again… Guaranteed! and When Loving Him is Hurting You.

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