CCC 27-3

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

What do you lose when you lose fondness and admiration for others? You lose sight of the person’s value, and you lose your soft spot for them. When you judge someone or no longer appreciate their value, you focus on their faults and shortcomings, see them negatively, lose grace, look down on them, and justify your crusty reactions.

w Fondness and Admiration

at night, you wonder if they are doing it intentionally or clueless because they do not realize they are waking others up. The alarms alert you to the person’s shortcomings, blurring their value, and your patience for them slips out the back door. You quickly forget that your neighbor works hard all day only to come home and care for their family. Yes, they often fail to take out the trash at a reasonable time due to their demanding schedules—preparing din ner, finishing the dishes, and giving the kids their baths be fore finally climbing into bed completely exhausted. Half asleep, they remember the trash still needs to be taken out to the curb. If not careful, it is easy to view yourself better than them and put up a defensive wall. Before you realize it, you are annoyed with your neighbor the next time you interact. What do you lose when you lose fondness and admi ration for others? You lose sight of the person’s value, and you lose your soft spot for them. When you judge someone or no longer appreciate their value, you focus on their faults and shortcomings, see them negatively, lose grace, look down on them, and justify your crusty reactions. With that flawed mindset, you lose your ability to share your complaint with kindness, you lose your ability to value and understand their perspective, and you lose the hope of working things out. Is there someone in your life for whom you no longer have a “soft spot?” Has your heart become crusty, not al lowing this person to slip past your critical eye or through a crack in your defenses to touch the spot that softens your heart? It might be a beneficial exercise to write down their positive qualities to find what you can appreciate and al low fondness and admiration for them to soften your heart once again. ; Sharon May, Ph.D., conducts Safe

What is fondness? We rarely use the phrase, “I am fond of you,” anymore. Yet, it is so descriptive. Some synonyms for fondness are liking, partiality, and soft spot. Soft spot! Having a soft spot for someone implies that the person can slip past your critical eye through a crack in your defenses and reach a place in your heart that softens you. When you have a soft spot for someone, even if they irritate or frus trate you, you can somehow maintain a level of “fondness.” There is something about the person and relationship that allows you to see the good, believe their intentions as pos itive, understand their perspective, and maintain a desire to work things out. “Admiration” is not necessarily a romantic word, but it is powerful. Synonyms include respect, high regard, and appreciation. Appreciation is a concept John Gottman emphasizes as being important in relationships. When you admire the qualities in someone, you will hold them in high regard, which seems to naturally lead to showing that person appreciation. You treat a person with respect and kindness because you admire their character qualities and value who they are. Gottman thinks this is so import ant that he encourages couples to write “I appreciate” notes recognizing each other’s positive characteristics and events when these qualities show up. Losing Fondness and Appreciation What do we risk losing when we lose fondness and admi ration? Gottman says couples lose love. However, what happens when we lose fondness and admiration with family, friends, neighbors, and community members? Maintaining a consistent fondness and appreciation for those around us is sometimes difficult. It is easy to get offended and hurt by what others say or fail to do, and you can quickly go from enjoying someone to perceiving them as hurtful or frustrating. It could be the annoying neighbor whose dog constantly barks, the politically closed-minded person at work, the daughter-in-law who knows it all, or your spouse who once again did not call to say they would be late for dinner. Our brains are wired to pick out negative situations and draw attention to them. As a result, we question, “What are this person’s intentions? Do they value me? Is this person safe or not?” We are primed to react and deal with the negative. When your neighbor takes out their trash late

Haven Marriage Intensives and co-hosts the “Love Well” membership program, helping people grow to become safe havens and love well. For further infor mation on intensives or to join the Safe Haven community program or get the Dragon Workbook, go to www.safe havenrelationshipcenter.com or e-mail grow@havenofsafety.com.

Christian Counseling Connection 25