CCC 27-4_LR 1

INNOVATIVE THOUGHT & PRACTICE

We also have internal critics. Thankfully, for ourselves and the peo ple we care for, we have learned how to counteract self-judging with self-empathy. What Is Self-empathy? I (Kristi) had a favorite cat named Charlie. He delighted in my affection and had a special bond with me. Often, he would sit in my lap, knead on me with his paws, and purr as he did with his mother when he was a kitten. He was self-soothing and had internalized the comfort of nurs ing, which he was replicating. Often, children do the same thing with their mothers, fathers, or other caregivers. They use a pacifier, blanket, the name “mommy,” or a picture to help them reconnect with mater nal comfort and security as they develop self-empathy. Adults need self-empathy, too; it is how we overcome self-judging and other resis tances to grace. Self-empathy strengthens us to be able to show empa thy and love to other people. You may not have heard the term “self-empathy.” Let’s unpack a working definition of giving empathy to yourself: Self-empathy is agree ing with empathy from God or a person you trust to appreciate that you are deeply loved by God . In times of emotional distress or need, self-em pathy is like an oxygen mask. If you are on a plane with your child and the cabin pressure drops, you need to put your oxygen mask on first to help your child put on their oxygen mask safely. If we do not care for ourselves, we cannot care for others very well. Self-empathy is not an independent self-help process but an agree ment with God’s grace . Healthy self-empathy for your clients or those you minister to looks like them trusting in your empathetic care and appreciating that God cares for them through your compassion. One time, when David and his men returned to their camp at Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire, and their wives and children were taken captive by enemies. They wept uncontrollably until they had no strength left. As the leader, David was in despair, “… but David encouraged him self in the Lord his God” (1 Samuel 30:6, KJV). He trusted the Lord for the comfort and strength he needed, and then he was able to rise up and lead his men to rescue their families. That is self-empathy. David, in his psalms of lament, shows us how to use self-empathy to agree with God’s grace. The Lord Jesus baked the psychology of self-empathy into His great commandment to love God “… with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” and “… Love others as much as you love yourself ” (Mark 12:30 31, CEV, emphasis added). Understanding our emotions and caring for our needs through self-empathy is integral to loving ourselves as God loves us and strengthens us to love God and others well. Benefits of Self-empathy When the people we are helping learn to develop self-empathy, it improves their mental health and spiritual maturity. Furthermore, as counselors and pastors, practicing self-empathy protects us from empa thy fatigue and burnout. There have been several psychological studies done that show significant benefits of self-compassion (relating to our selves with empathy and kindness), including: • Decreased depression and anxiety 1 • Increased motivation, healthy behavior, and resilient coping 2 • Happiness, optimism, and life satisfaction 3 • Forgiveness and altruism 4 • Relational connection in romantic relationships 5

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If we do not care for ourselves, we cannot care for others very well.

Christian Counseling Connection 19