CCC 27-4_LR 1

INNOVATIVE THOUGHT & PRACTICE

Helping Others Grow in Self-empathy The following are three steps we have used in counseling and ministry to help people cultivate self-empathy and its benefits: 1. Befriending emotions. Henri Nouwen, author of many books on Christian spirituality, taught that the way to overcome distressed emotions is not to fight against them, deny them, or judge them as weak and problematic but to befriend our emotions . 6 To be friendly to emotions is to be patient, gentle, and accepting of them. It is to listen to emotions and learn from them (without being con trolled by them). When you befriend others’ emotions, it shows them how to befriend their own emotions. 2. Resisting self-judgment. When caring for people, it is important to listen to their inner attitudes toward their own emotions, struggles, and needs and notice any ten dencies toward self-judgment, which is a primary form of unconscious resistance to receiving the care they need. If you do not point this out, you will become exhausted from trying to get through to them. It is vital to address this gently and in collaboration. For instance, you might say, “It seems you’re judging your emotions as bad, making it hard for you to receive my empathy. Do you notice this? Or how would you describe your experience?” When they name their resistance, set it aside to allow them to receive your empathy, energy, and insight, which can be transfor mative. 3. Appreciating Jesus’ empathy. With empathy and compassion, Jesus attuned to the emotions of the widow of Nain, who was crying because she had lost her only son (Luke 7:11–16). When Thomas felt left out and was strug gling with doubt, Jesus felt for him and made a special visit, offering for him to touch the nail prints in his hands (John 20:24-27). For all of us, Jesus is our great high priest who is eager to “empathize with our weaknesses” (Hebrews 4:15, NIV). He sees into the hearts of the people you help and calls them “friends” (John 15:15). Appreciating Jesus’ empathy is the best way for the people you help to grow

in self-empathy because the Spirit of Jesus is with them between sessions and always. He feels and cares for them so they know they are deeply loved. ;

Bill Gaultiere, Ph.D. , is a psycholo gist and pastor, and Kristi Gaultiere, Psy.D. , is a therapist. They are the founders of Soul Shepherding, a non-profit ministry that features five day retreats to help pastors, counselors, and others go deeper with Jesus in emotional health and loving relation ships. Participants can earn a Certificate in Spiritual Direction or a Certificate in Coaching. Bill and Kristi are the authors of several books, including Deeply Loved: Receiving and Reflecting God’s Great Empathy for You .

Endnotes 1 MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-anal ysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology, Clinical Psychology Review, 32 (6):545-52. 2 Albertson, E., Neff, K., & Dill-Shackleford, K. (2014). Self-compassion and body dissatisfaction in women: A randomized controlled trial of a brief meditation intervention, Mindfulness, 6 (3):1-11. 3 Neff, K., Rude, S., & Kirkpatrick, K. (2007). An examination of self-com passion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits, Journal of Research in Personality, 41 (4):908-16. 4 Neff K., & Pommier, E. (2013). The relationship between self-compas sion and other-focused concern among college undergraduates, com munity adults, and practicing meditators, Self and Identity, 12 (2):160-76. 5 Neff, K., & Beretvas, S. (2013). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships, Self and Identity, 12 (1):78-98. 6 Nouwen, H. (1996). The inner voice of love: A journey through anguish to freedom (New York: Image Books), 42-43.

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