CCC 27-4_LR 1

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

“What will you do with the last year of your life?” Renowned Christian author, ethicist, and theologian, the late Dr. Lewis B. Smedes, had a brother with brain cancer who was given a year to live. He asked his brother, “What are you going to do with yourself this year?” His brother hesitantly answered, “What I want is to become a better person than I’ve been.” Dr. Smedes replied, “A better person? But why, for goodness sake? Why do you want to worry about that at a time like this?” Dr. Smedes went on, “Odd thing…. It wasn’t at all what I expected him to say…. I wanted him to sail home free on the winds of grace. I wanted him to talk about seeing the sunset. Catching the wind. A visit to Ireland. I wanted him to travel light the rest of the way, see the scen ery, touch the people, hear the music. I wanted him to forget about being a good person.” 3 If you think about it, we all have a deep desire to be our best selves. We want to be all that we were meant to be… for our inner best selves and maturity to flow out into our everyday lives. When we are our best selves, mature, wiser, and more centered, there comes an inner peace. More often than not, do not take things so personally, nor be so sensitive, while still staying vulnerable and honest. We are aware of what we are feeling and needing while also caring about what others are going through and choosing to react in ways that are best for all of us. Taking time to grow and become your best self is a good way to use your time this year, truly loving well because of who you have become. ; Sharon May, Ph.D., conducts Safe

Loving well also indicates the willingness to be self aware, understand oneself, grow, and be emotionally mature. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I am well trained in leading individuals, couples, and families into awareness of the emotions that fuel their negative cycles, getting to the heart of the cycles that keep them discon nected. However, without each person’s resolve to truly grow, take a deeper look into themselves, and allow their being to be shaped by the heart of God, inner growth and emotional maturity are shallow. “The unexamined life is not worth living,” 1 wrote Socrates, who believed that with out examining your thoughts, feelings, motives, beliefs, values, and actions, you simply exist and cannot live a truly virtuous life. What are the basic elements of an examined life of emotional maturity? 1. Be aware of oneself with a heart to grow. In Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV), we learn of the relationship that refines: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Emotional ma turity is when you are aware of what you are feeling, how you react, and its impact on others. You are aware of your triggers and the deeper reasons behind the way you feel or react, allowing you to respond more wisely. “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom,” 2 wrote Aristotle, who believed self-understanding leads to good decisions and a virtuous life. 2. Be able to identify and manage your emotions. You are generally able to pause in the heat of the moment, name your emotions, understand what is happening, and be able to regulate them. Rather than reacting in the mo ment, you respond with greater awareness. 3. Be able to take responsibility. You do not blame outside factors or others for your feelings and reactions by repeatedly shifting blame (e.g., “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted that way”). Instead, you take responsibility for your reactions and the emotions that fueled them. 4. Be able to hold your own heart and the perspec tive of others. You take on someone else’s perspective, understand why they feel the way they do, and empathize with and comfort them. Choosing a journey of personal growth, not just fixing issues in one’s relationship, to have less conflict and more peace takes courage. Allowing our deep wounds and issues to be known, taking a sobering look at how we have guarded ourselves at the expense of hurting those we love, and choosing to be more honest and genuine about ourselves is frightening. However, when we embark on an authentic inner growth and maturity journey, as uncom fortable as the self-discovery can sometimes be, it brings inner peace.

Haven Marriage Intensives and co-hosts the “Love Well” membership program, helping people grow to become safe havens and love well. For further infor mation on intensives or to join the Safe Haven community program or get the Dragon Workbook, go to www.safe havenrelationshipcenter.com or e-mail grow@havenofsafety.com.

Endnotes 1 Goodreads. (n.d.). Socrates quotes (author of Apología de Sócrates ). https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/275648. Socrates#:~:text=Socrates%20Quotes&text=The%20only%20true%20 wisdom%20is%20in%20knowing%20you%20know%20nothing.&tex t=The%20unexamined%20life%20is%20not%20worth%20living.&- text=There%20is%20only%20one%20good,%2C%20and%20one%20 evil%2C%20ignorance. 2 Goodreads. (n.d.-a). A quote by Aristotle. https://www.goodreads.com/ quotes/3102-knowing-yourself-is-the-beginning-of-all-wisdom. 3 Smedes, L.B. (1991). A pretty good person. HarperCollins.

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