CCC 28-1

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

physical decline, and were more satisfied than those who were disconnected—even if the latter group had greater financial success. From the perspective of attachment science, this makes sense. We are wired for love. 2 Our nervous system is designed to seek safety and comfort in connection with others. When bonds are secure, we feel calmer, more hopeful, and more capable of facing life’s challenges. When bonds are insecure, stress is amplified, and life feels more overwhelming. In short, happiness does not come from what we own, but from who we have in our lives and how safe and close we feel in those relationships. The Dragons that Rob Our Joy If relationships are so central to happiness, why do so many people struggle to find joy in them? One reason is what I call our dragons 3 —the negative beliefs and emotional sensitivities we carry from childhood wounds and past experienc es. A person whose dragon whispers, “I am not lovable,” may constantly fear rejection, interpret ing their spouse’s distraction as abandonment. Another whose dragon says, “I must be perfect to be accepted,” may feel constant pressure and be unable to relax in friendships or family life. These dragons distort reality and breathe fire into our conflicts. They cause us to misinterpret, overreact, or withdraw, and in the process, we sabotage the very connections we long for. How ever, the good news is that dragons can be named, tamed, and transformed. By slowing down, acknowledging our deeper fears, and choosing vulnerability, we begin to disarm the dragons. As people learn to recognize and share their primary emotions—such as fear, sadness, and longing— they open the door to greater empathy and close ness. And with closeness comes happiness. Happiness Requires Repair Another reason happiness in relationships can be elusive is that all couples, families, and friend ships experience ruptures. Words are misunder stood, needs go unmet, and stress makes us sharp or withdrawn. The difference between thriving and languishing relationships is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to effectively repair it. John Gottman’s research confirms that failed repair attempts are predictive of divorce and dis satisfaction. In contrast, partners who can come back after an argument, apologize, comfort one another, and reconnect report higher satisfaction and resilience. When people learn to repair rather than retreat, they experience not only more con nection but also more joy.

Christian Counseling Connection 27