CCC 28-2_LR

PASS IT ON

We see that blue dot and, in most cases, nothing around it (besides intersecting streets). In short, many of us fail to “lift our eyes” from our phones to see the world, much less the important people around us.

A Powerful Way to Help Clients Put Down Their Phones and Look Eye to Eye This is not an article about the evils and dangers of com pulsive, overwhelming technology use, as many as there are. As my friend, Tim Kimmel, often says, “We don’t live in Little House on the Prairie anymore; we live on Little House on the Freeway.” Phones are not going anywhere too far away from our hands. However, I would like to share with you something I learned that has been a tremendous encouragement to my wife and me. Not to mention, it is also something I do regularly with almost every couple I coach and counsel. It is a structured way of helping remind us how much “lift ing our eyes” to each other and staying off our phones and that “blue dot” for even a short time can bless, reboot, and renew our relationships. Dr. Mark Mayfield, a friend and world-class leader at “resetting” relationships for individuals and teams, devised this approach. 2 We were speaking together at a conference for 200 police and first responder couples in Iowa. Mark is both a theologian and a neurobiology expert. He knew the audience was filled with people who had seen trauma—often, far too much—and also realized how rarely the average couple actually looks at each other eye to eye and what it can do to “reset” a relationship when they do. He asked all the couples to stand up, take each other’s hands, and look into the eyes of their partner without say ing a word for three minutes . Although that may not sound like a very long time, even one minute feels like an eterni ty. Yet, it was absolutely incredible what happened during that time. Many of the couples around us were crying when time was called. Others fell into each other’s arms. While Mark went on to talk about how three minutes of continuous eye contact (with no words spoken during that time) could “reset” their relationship neurologically, I was watching it happen right in front of me.

Always before, when you opened a map, you saw the broader view of things. A map of a whole city, perhaps of a state, country, or the world. From that larger view, you then zeroed in on your location on the map. However, today that view is reversed. Now you are the focus—you and that blue dot. In ideal conditions (meaning you are not standing right next to a huge building), this means your phone can pinpoint your location to within 0.03 meters, or approximately one foot, of your exact position. And for many of us, that “Me to B” focus can ruin our rela tionships. Missing So Much of the World when Our Eyes Only See the Blue Dot For nearly all of us, our phones are now an extension of who we are. They are our computer, calendar, calcula tor, guide, text, and voice connection point. Our phones provide such an instant, changing, deeply strengthening force. We see that blue dot and, in most cases, nothing around it (besides intersecting streets). In short, many of us fail to “lift our eyes” from our phones to see the world, much less the important people around us. We have all seen examples of this. I remember riding on the “L” train in Chicago. I was sitting next to a young moth er. She was totally focused on her phone. Her toddler was totally focused on trying to get her to lift her eyes beyond the screen. Basically, for stop after stop, I had a ringside seat to a battle. After the doors opened and closed, it was a struggle to see how long the mom could resist looking at her phone, and how loud and wild her child could become before she finally turned to him, at which time he would calm down. At least until whatever exciting text or other “blue dot” on her phone pulled the mother’s gaze back to her phone and away from her child. By the time I got off the train, I was at the point of yelling, “Put down your phone and look at him!” But I never said it.

Christian Counseling Connection 39